No Entry sign 1 © Melodi TSaying No isn't as destructive as you may think. Actually, saying No means you've already said Yes to something else. By saying No, we're setting limits, to protect that something. But even when you're willing to protect your interests: for many people, No (not Sorry) seems to be the hardest word.

So you finally said No… and … oh my, somebody becomes manipulative and tries to undermine your decision. It's time to act in self-defense. Below, you'll find a toolbox for self assertion (not a weapons' arsenal, though): If you learn to set limits, how to stay polite and still get respect, you'll not just feel better but actually develop your self further. Plus, you'll gain more time for your interests. Let's have a look at 22 proven strategies how to say No:

1. Straightforward honesty: Just tell the reason why you can't or don't want to do something. You can train this first with friends and family. Whenever you want to say No, overcome your desire to please everybody and tell the truth. Stay polite but also assertive.
2. Try some humor: Say, for instance: «I want to spend more time with my blender.» or choose another of 100 potential reasons why. Of course, this only works with friends who appreciate tongue-in-cheek talking, understanding that it's impossible right now for you to present your reasons.
3. The principled approach: You say «I don't do such things, as a matter of principle», maybe followed by «According to my experience, this kind of things never pays» or more aggressively, «I think it's just plain immoral». If life taught you a bitter lesson already, why make the same mistake again? However, don't refer to principles you don't stand for.
4. Encouragement: Say «I feel you can do this on your own. As a matter of fact, last time you did it your results were a lot better than mine. I'm looking forward to your solution!» Encouragement is suitable when talking to Mr or Mrs Indecision. A lack of self confidence in others requires a lot of patience on your side, though.
5. The Magic of the First Name. Don't just say «No» - say «No, Michael.» It's a good opening move to deal with masters of the interruptive «But…» - the kind of people who never let you finish any statement (except for «Yes!», of course). Using the first name pushes the discussion onto a more personal level. It's also a clear signal that you're having serious reservations.
6. The preemptive strike: You say «Before we begin let me say that I'm not going to have a single spare minute next week, so basically I'm just a lurker here.» oder «Thanks for the invitation! I'm sorry but during the next few weeks I won't have time to attend these meetings anymore, my job yields a lot of stress right now, you know?». This is an emergency brake to be used e.g. at the beginning of a meeting - if you know that somebody will try to take control of your time in front of others, where you're not likely to object.
7. The High Standards (TM): Just say: «I can't take on new commitments right now, otherwise my existing ones would suffer.» It's an excellent escape from the competence trap: because you perform well, you get more and more things to do which in turn leads to a disappointing performance on your part.
8. The Flyer Evasion Maneuver: You don't say anything and just walk by. It's the only way to deal with inner city flyer cordons - you've lost as soon as they can make you stop and discuss. It's similar with email spam: never ever answer it, especially when they tell you that by answering you can unsubscribe from a mailing list you've never subscribed to in the first place. You'd only confirm that you'll be answering this kind of emails. That's wonderful - for the spammer who can sell one more responsive email address to his customers.
9. Queue up (please…): Say «Sure! It's already on my list, I'll take care of it immediately after establishing our subsidiary in Shanghai». If you don't happen to have any business in Shanghai, choose something that is about as tedious. The idea is to name something so important that it's not to be questioned by anybody - not even by suggesting you should do both things in parallel. Assuming everybody is familiar with your pending problems, it may also be sufficient to say «Let's talk about it again as soon as things start to work out a little better here.»
10. The infinite loop: Just repeat «I know what you're aiming at, but I'm not interested, really.» Again and again, until the other person resigns. Part of the fun is that you never explain what exactly the other person is aiming at, in your opinion. Excellent defense against telemarketers.
11. Put them on the spot: Keep replying «I understand… What other alternatives do you see?» until she or he runs out of suggestions. Then, you launch a blanket statement: «I'm not sure whether one of these is really suitable. Let's meet again as soon as you've got a little more options.» Useful in dealing with really bad «ideas» that were born before any related problem showed up.
12. Visitor's No: Just say «A little later maybe, thanks!» or «It's so delicious! I need a small break from eating». Sounds a lot friendlier than «Thanks, no, I'm not hungry anymore», doesn't it?
13. The Catch-22 tactics: You place the ball in their court by saying «I already promised my son we'd attend this football match together. I can't disappoint him, can I?» or «Sounds a lot more fascinating than what I need to do at the moment. I'm sad I can't join you!»
14. Partner with their laziness: Simply say «Sure! Please send me an email reminder, I'll reply with the attachments you required.» A great anti-hoarding tactics against human hamsters who just love to impose more work on others, hoarding the results for the day they may become useful. Some day. Maybe…
15. The Horror Alternative: «I don't feel like watching one more Tom Cruise movie, so how about going through the whole Doris Day DVD box today?». Wonderful cure against that special pest that is perseveringly ignoring all of your real interests, trying to educate you for the better. Instead of Doris Day, choose a topic that is of interest to you - your suggestion might be accepted, after all.
16. The Cheap Alternative: Your reply is «Frank, I'm terribly sorry I can't assist you during that meeting. However, I could review your presentation slides in advance.» Sometimes, grown-ups constantly asking you to look after them are just tiresome.
17. The Spanish Inquisition: Become inquisitive and say «I can't make it to our weekly business dinner this evening. Anything else to talk about besides the annual report?», «I got your invitation to an hour-long meeting. Couldn't spot an agenda inside - what do we need an hour for?» oder «Do we really need to spend more time on this subject? Or is there something else we need to talk about?» If somebody is on the verge of wasting your time again, it's time for a reminder - even in Outlook, it's possible to modify the default duration of a meeting…
18. Time to think it over: Just say «I need to think it over» oder «That's a bit short-notice. I need more time.». Even better: «I need to talk to my spouse first, as soon as we find the time for it.» Of course you haven't got the faintest idea when that may be. By the way: it's never a mistake to think important things over and to discuss them with your loved ones. Never say Yes in impulse when it doesn't feel right.
19. Applied risk management: «During the last 2 years, I was the only person who did this. I fell ill twice already and nobody could cover for me. Let's delegate this to Michael, otherwise we'll run into the same kind of trouble over and over again.» Choose a proficient nominee here, otherwise you'll suffer from a higher workload than before.
20. Fatal Incompetence: You say «I haven't got the necessary skills.», «That's not my area of expertise.» or «I'm not really familiar with this, but Frank is.» Excellent for dealing with freeloaders thinking you exist for the sole purpose of assisting them with things they could cope with perfectly on their own.
21. The sympathy-scam dead end: Just say «I'm very sorry for you.» when somebody specializes on giving you «the look», hemming and hawing like in «I wanted to rent a van like yours, but that's soooo expensive…»
22. The Verbal Closeline: «What part of NO didn't you understand?». Well, sometimes confrontation is the only language that obtrusive PITAs will understand. Limit this to occasions where NO hasn't been understood twice in a row already, please.

Got any NO story to share?

What are your experiences with saying No? Please tell us in the comment section below about your strategies. What worked? What didn't work?.